sunflower_anne

I'm a mommy! I have been a mommy for three months now to the most beautiful (of course I'm going to say that) baby girl ever. I hope someone will read this even though I have been away for so long. I'm still internet-less, otherwise I would have updated long long ago.

So yeah, Bella is three months old now and so super strong. She was nine pounds, nine ounces when she was born, and she's around eleven pounds now. She was gaining weight too slow on my breast milk so we have to giv e her 1 to 2 bottles of formula a day now. She is healthy though and that is all that matters. She has BIG blue eyes that are constantly looking around at everything, especially ceiling fans and lightbulbs. Her hair is brownish/blondish/reddish and she has sooo much of it. She has a birthmark on her right foot, which is the reason she has developed the nickname "fire foot". She laughs and smiles a lot, and she has recently started blowing spit bubbles! She rolled over a few days ago, but hasn't anymore since. She tries really hard, though. She's awesome...I guess I should just leave it at that.

I love being a mommy. It's stressful, yes, but it is oh so wonderful. Everything is different when you become a mom. Everything has so much meaning when before it was just stuff. A single smile can make your day. It's just great.

Hopefully soon we will have the internet back. I hope to, mostly because I need to make some money! Ebay is calling my name! But you have to spend money to make money and it's really hard when you don't have money to spend. It's okay, though. Everything works out in the end.

The only thing that has been hard about being a mom so far is the loneliness. People just don't really have time to be friends with someone that has a baby. Or maybe they just don't want to, I don't know. If you don't go out partying or smoke a lot of pot, people don't really see the point in hanging out with you, it seems. Oh well. I've learned that it's their loss. I have definitely learned that having a lot of friends is not the most important thing in life. I now understand why everyone leaves. And I'm not talking about town or even the state, I just mean in general. It's just something that happens, and it's a good thing, not a bad thing. It still hurts though to have a baby and not have a lot of girlfriends to talk to about it. Shannon is great, though. And Mary, too. If I never make another friend, I will always be thankful to them for being there for me, even if it's just to brag about how much I love my daughter.

David is the most awesome daddy, too. He loves Bella so much, and it's so beautiful to see him with her. He changes diapers and sings her songs and reads her books and rocks her and he is never ever mean. He sings Jimmy Buffet songs to her! It's super cute. I love him more and more every day. I didn't know that would be possible. I didn't know it would be possible for me to love my life this much. I get stressed, and I complain sometimes, but I just have to think about my family and realize how much I have in my life. I have learned about patience, and I'm sure I need to learn more, but right now, I can honestly say that I am happy.

When I get the internet, which will be soooooon, I will get caught up with everyone and I can't wait. I hope you all still remember me! Haha! But I gotta go feed Bella so this is all I have time to say for now. More soon, though. I promise!

So I just realized how long it has been since I wrote. Sorry folks. If I had the internet at my house this would be much easier.

So for the big exciting, beautiful news...IT'S A GIRL! We are naming her Bella Mae. Bella because I love that name, and David agrees that it's perfect, and Mae after my Meme and my mom.

Only four more months until she is out of my belly and in my arms. I feel her moving around inside me constantly now. Every night I have dreams about being a mommy, and I see her wonderful little face. There for a while she was throwing me some scary dreams, but that is normal with pregnancy, or so I'm told. The past week has been filled with nice ones about love, and my Meme is in almost every single one, alive and beautiful just the way I remember her. David says she is letting me know she is always with me through my dreams, and I know he is right. I miss her so much. I wish she could have known David and Bella, and to see how happy they make me. I know she knows, though, she lets me know she knows.

I'm typing on my friends computer and she has one of those fancy keyboards. I know I've made a million typos already, hopefully most of them have been caught. I still have quite a bit to do, though. I need to look up some information on wholesale incense because I want to sell some in my booth, and also dye for tie dying, because I've really been tie dying things a lot lately. I dyed some little overalls for Bella in purple and yellow, and a onesie in a pink swirl. They turned out sooo cute! I've also dyed some clothes and such to sell in the booth. Last night I dyed the prettiest dress in purple, and it turned out amazing! I wish it fit me but my belly is growing so much, hardly anything fits me anymore. I've only gained 9 pounds at my last doctors appointment, and so I'm doing really well with that. I feel like I've gained so much more. My belly button is starting to stick out a little and I think it is the weirdest thing. I'm so pregnant, and I'm just getting started, ha! It's awesome, though. I wouldn't change a thing.

Hopefully it won't be too long before I get on livejournal again. I hope everyone is doing well. Enjoy the fall weather, it is going by way too fast!

Yard Sales! YESSSSS!

My mama and I were out and looking for bargains before the street lights had even gone off this morning. We have so much fun going to yard sales. I think we're going to make it a weekend thing from now on. Now if this stuff can sell, we'll be in business. With my mom buying stuff, too, my booth just might eventually be full. I only spent around eleven dollars, so that's not bad at all for all of the stuff I got. I'm pretty sure my mom spent less than twenty. I would name off our goodies, but that would take way too much effort.

I'm ready for a N.A.P.! I'm so tired. I have to wait, though. My mother in law will be here in less than an hour, and we are going to go shopping for maternity clothes. I'm really about shopped out today but I can never say no.

Tonight I'm going to price up all of the goodies I bought and take them to the store to add to my wonderful little booth. Yay! And maybe, if I have enough energy, I will make something crafty tonight. Mama bought two lamps and lampshades at one yard sale today, and then at the next one we went to she found some pretty sheets of homeade paper that would look perfect on the lampshades. She wants me to decoupage them up all fancy, so maybe I will do that tonight. Or sleep, whichever comes first.

Oh and Monday we are shutting off our cable and internet, so no more sunfloweranne for a while. We've gotta save money. Until then I have a feeling I'll be on here like a maniac! I've got a lot of stuff to look up for pricing before Monday. Sometimes a guess just isn't enough, and according to the girl that owns the store, I price things too cheap. I'm learning, though, and having fun, too!

This is the first time I have had to do this since I joined live journal world, and that was way back in high school...

FRIENDS ONLY from now on, folks.

Ok, I don't think I will stop writing. I'm not supposed to care what other people think. Why do I care so much what other people think? I shouldn't have emotional breakdowns and cry for hours straight because I think someone is mad at me. And I shouldn't delete my livejournal, either.

It's time to start caring about myself. I feel like I've been trying to do this for practically my whole life, but I mean it now. From now on I'm putting myself first. I deserve it.

It's so easy to say things like that. I know I love myself. If I didn't, I would have given up a long time ago. I never want to give up. I never want to die. I just want to live my life to the fullest, and right now I'm the lowest I have ever been. I've dealt with these problems for a very long time, but not like this. I'm the only one that knows how different I really feel inside. And it's super different. It's sickening how lonely, worthless, and just plain SAD I have felt. I feel like it is for NO REASON! I feel embarrassed and ashamed and just crazy. I feel that if I have a baby inside of me and a good loving relationship, I should have no reason to feel this way. It's such a struggle.

Yesterday I thought we were having the first real ultrasound and I was so excited! Then we go in the room and it's not an ultrasound room. The doctor told me I wouldn't have an ultrasound until I was 20 weeks. TWO MORE MONTHS! Ah! I just want to see my little baby. We heard the heartbeat, which is also exciting, but I got to hear the heartbeat two weeks ago so it was basically the same thing all over again. When we left and were on the way home in the car, I broke down. I cried and cried and then said to David "I should be crying tears of happiness, what is wrong with me?" I'm really really scared that I'm going to be a terrible mom because of this. i know that I'll be caring and loving and giving, but I would just feel terrible if my baby knew that it's Mommy was sad the whole time it was in her belly.

I'm really trying to keep calm, work on my breathing, and think positive. Gosh, it's sooo hard! I start back to work this Friday, though, which is also mine and David's anniversary. One year. We don't even get to celebrate. We're too broke to pay our bills or our mortgage or buy groceries. We literally have NO money. This really isn't how I thought our first anniversary would be, or how our first year as a married couple would be, but it's okay. We love each other with all of our hearts and souls and no matter what, we'll make it through.

I'm really sorry that I'm not very cheerful lately. I'm a little happier than I seem on here. At least a little bit! It's just that every time I sit down to write, I'm reminded of all of the sad things. I just want to say thank you to everyone on here that has supported me through this, even if I haven't been a bundle of joy to read. It really means a lot to me. :)

Well folks, I believe my time here is up...

I've decided to stop writing in my livejournal. Lately I've realized that reading this and posting to this really is just a waste of my time. And it makes me feel sad.

Journals are supposed to be about your true feelings. You shouldn't have to keep anything back. I'm trying to be a more honest person with myself every day. I've blocked so many feelings from myself for so long, and the things I don't block, I keep locked up inside of me. I turned this journal into a friend, because I felt that I had lost true friends. Everything was starting to become imaginary, like when I was a child. I was forcing myself to see that I was okay and that if I wrote some pretty words, it meant that I was not alone. But my words aren't pretty anymore, and I've become a more angry person. I now see that this journal is not my friend at all, because it allows me to keep the same patterns cycling.

I never mean to hurt anyone by the things I say. Usually I keep quiet so this doesn't happen. I don't want to be quiet anymore. Being quiet has hurt me for way too long. Opening up hurts others, which hurts me even deeper. It never ends. Oh how I wish it would.

I'm deleting this journal because it holds me back. I think it holds us all back. I've lost touch with my friends that all live in the same town as me. Well, I only have maybe three close friends, but they are still my friends. I made a MySpace account because they stopped using their livejournals and started using that, and for me to ever know what was going on with them, I had to log on. I hate MySpace but I love my friends and that was my way of trying. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I've always been wrong. Maybe I just don't know how to be a good friend, but I always thought that I had tried. I'm quiet, I'm shy, I'm sensitive, and I'm different, but I'm caring still. I did quit trying, and I did say some mean things, but it took me a very long time to admit those things out loud and to myself. Much longer, I believe, than anyone else. Or maybe they didn't realize anything had changed, I don't know. I never said I was perfect. I'm just tired of holding back my feelings. I just hope that you all understand.

I'd like to keep reading the journals of my friends, so I'm at a loss about what to do. Should I delete this? Should I just keep it to read? I'm not sure yet, but I think I will leave this up until I decide.

I got my hair chopped off. Like 8 or 9 inches, seriously, it's super short now. It's funky, and I am not girly enough to straighten it or style it or anything like that, but it's cool. It does it's own thing, kinda like me.

I went to counseling today, and I have to go two more times this week and three times next week, too. They will be closed for a month at the beginning of the semester so my counselor doesn't want me to be left in the dark, which is cool with me 'cuz I need some serious mental health solutions right now. Today he just asked me a bunch of questions and wrote down my answers. On Wednesday he is going to work on breathing exercises and ways to keep calm before a state of panic, and he's going to give me a relaxation cd that I must listen to every night before I go to bed. I'm excited! I'm on my way to getting over this mess! Woohoo! I'm sick of feeling this way, and I've accepted it now, so now it's time to just learn how to deal with it and feel like the old Anne again.

My internet is screwed up. So is our air conditioning. I'm at Happy's house updating this. I'm gonna have a super busy next couple of weeks, and if I keep my job, next couple of months, too. We have moved all of our junk to the dining room, which is the biggest mess ever, and David and Paul started working on the drywall again. We only have like 6 months left to get the house finished before we need a finished nursery for our baby. We gotta work our booty's off! So basically I'm trying to say that I'm probably not going to be updating much, but I'll try. I'll always try, ya know. :)

And official ultrasound #1 is on Monday so say a little prayer, or light a candle, or hug a tree...whatever it is you do to have some faith, please do it for our little one! Thank you!

Wow, the past couple of days have been a lot to take in. Pregnancy really does do so much to a person. In the end it is all worth it, but gosh...just so much!

I spent Wednesday at the hospital. I should probably spare you the details because they are not very appealing, but I'll tell you it was definitely not fun. What happened before the hospital, what happened at the hospital and how I still feel now, though it is much better, is the opposite of fun. I'm okay, though, and the baby is okay, too, and that is all that matters. I went to the doctor yesterday to make sure there was no damage done to the little mushroom in my belly and I actually got to hear the heartbeat! YAY! What a relief! My crazy self hasn't hurt the little one yet and I'm so grateful for that because I worry every day that this stress I am under has got to be screwing the poor little embryo up! Actually, it's a fetus now. We've upgraded from embryo to fetus, woohoo!

I'm still really anxious about work. It's not just anxiety anymore. I'm full blown depressed. I've never admitted that I'm depressed to anyone, not even myself, but I'm doing it now. It's that bad. I've honestly never felt this bad before, and I have no idea what to do. I feel that I have lost all of my heart and all of my soul and I'm reaching for it so hard but I just can't reach. I only have a little less than two weeks until I have to go back to work. This is killing me, literally. Nobody understands how I feel, even me. The doctor said "you can't spend all of your time at home, you have to go to work" and I almost broke down in tears. It was either that or slap him, which is what I really wanted to do. How does he know how I feel? How can anyone possibly know how this feels? I'm so sick of people telling me what is right for me to do and what I must do. This is MY LIFE! I'm 23 years old. I should be living it MY WAY by now. I want to know what that feels like so bad. To do things because they are what I want to do, not what someone else wants me to do. Why is it so incredibly hard? I know...because I've never allowed myself to do it.

I feel more like a failure every day.
I feel more and more alone every day.
I've never ever cried this much before.
I've never allowed myself to feel such anger, and I'm afraid it's eating me up inside faster than the sadness ever could.

And still, forever, I put a smile on my face for everyone. I put a smile on my face for myself. I have to. I'm going to be a mommy. I can't be sad. I have to be happy. I have to, I have to, I have to...know who the hell I am and WHY I feel this way. I have to...

And today I tried to talk to a friend. I'm not sure any of my "friends" even remember that I'm pregnant. Except Mary, who has saved me and she doesn't even know it, and Shannon, who unfortunately lives all the way in Wyoming and I miss her so incredibly because when she's here, she's the only one that's really here. Other than these two beautiful girls, not a single person has called me or talked to me face to face or even over the phone about how I'm doing. Nobody has even mentioned my pregnancy or acted concered or even excited. Two of my friends, my ONLY two girl friends other than Mary, are moving very soon. They haven't even told me that they are moving, I have to hear it from other people or from their My Space. I honestly think they plan to just move away without even saying bye. I honestly feel invisible, and today I told David, I said, "fuck 'em! I'm so sick of caring," and I meant it.

And it still makes me feel terrible...

(<a href="http://pyesetz.furtopia.org/meme-3col-DeathNote.html">Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.  (Lots of people but mostly my Meme.)	× I don't watch much TV these days.  (I'm obsessed with Starting Over.)	✓ I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.  (Glasses since I was 6.)	× I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.  (I wish I could smoke some right now.)
✓ I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.  (I have an extremely hard time telling a lie.)
✓ I curse sometimes.	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )

I tried to quit my job today and my manager wouldn't let me! HA! I'm just that awesome, I guess.

I'm starting counseling next week. The other counselor was just no good for me. She seemed stuck up and uncaring, and she made me want a cigarette for the first time since I quit. I decided to try the campus counseling center. It's cheap (one dollar a visit!) and seems much more personable. Only time will tell, though. I went in and filled out the paperwork, which included answering a questionnaire of 344 questions! I answered them all truthfully, and I feel good about it this time around. Actually, I'm feeling really really good about things today. I'm hoping this feeling will last. It's the first time I have felt calm in at least two weeks!

I'm still off work for the rest of the summer. If I can, I'm going to start back in August, and if I can't, everything will be okay. My manager proved to me today that I am worth it. She showed me that she cared, which I'm so thankful for, because lately I've been feeling like I am just all alone in these thoughts of mine. She assured me that I'm such a good worker that they are going to help me as much as they can to get me feeling better and back at work. I want to buy her a present. Seriously, she made my day.

I think my morning sickness is starting to get better, too! I still can't stand most smells and I still have all the other un fun stuff I've been dealing with, but I haven't thrown up in almost a week! Now if I can just get my appetite going, I'll be one happy mama.

Tomorrow is David's birthday. He hates his birthday. I've always been a big lover of birthdays, and I've always felt they are an extreme cause for celebration and definitely not a time to be sad. Birthdays are about LIFE! I realize this even more now that I am pregnant.

I'm starting to think the depression I've been feeling lately is just my body's way of telling me how beautiful everything is. It's like I have to see the ugly and accept it to understand the beautiful. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to me, and I'm going with it. I'm hoping that all of these emotions are just here to make me realize that things aren't always perfect and wonderful, but really...they are, because we're alive and that is all that matters.

One thing I know for sure about pregnancy, it certainly messes up your thought process. I'm pretty sure I have A.D.D. as it is, but lately my thoughts are just scattered around like dust in the wind. It's so crazy. I've been wanting to write, but every time I do, I leave so much out. I just ramble, like I am right now. I'm gonna shut up and go shopping for David's gift. I have no idea what I'm going to get for him. I usually make him something but I've been so caught up in my little world of drama lately that I haven't even cleaned the house, much less made arts and crafts!

The stress level just keeps building. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to deal with this job! I'm not even working right now. I don't have to go in until Friday, which is the day I might possibly quit. It doesn't matter. I've been thinking about it nonstop for 3 weeks now. Maybe it's because I'm pregnant and my hormones are going crazy, maybe it's because I'm a sensitive person, maybe it's a bajillion reasons. I don't really care about the reasons anymore, I just want to not have to think about it. I just want to be pregnant in peace.

Being pregnant has really brought some things to my attention about myself that I had always pushed aside before. I'm constantly thinking about my family, my upbringing, my childhood, and why I am the way that I am today as an adult. I realize a lot about myself now that I didn't before, and I learn more every day, but I still have SO much that I need to understand. I know that I'm going to be a great mom, and that I'll do things WAY differently with my children, but it still makes me sad to think that I didn't have a very happy childhood. Actually, I had never realized it before, but I have completely blocked out so much of my childhood. I think I've blocked a lot of it out just since my parents got divorced when I was 17. Lately I'm catching myself trying so hard to remember some happy moments, or even some sad ones. I remember so many more sad ones. It's so stressful to see all of these new things about yourself all of a sudden. I knew I wasn't mentally stable, but I didn't know I was this bad.

I just really need a hug and some answers and some money and some time to not have to think about all the bad stuff for a while. I need to understand that one day I will have the ability to make new friends. David keeps telling me that I will make friends through the pregnancy classes and such, and I'm hoping he's right. I need it so badly. I'm so sick of feeling lonely. My only friends lately are my husband, my dog, and my cat. Gosh, I sound pitiful. Oh well, at least I'm honest.

I'm just keep remembering that things will get better, and that things already aren't as bad as they could possibly be. I have a loving husband, I have a life inside of me, I have a caring mama (even if she is driving me crazy lately) and my in law's are so incredibly supportive of me it brings me to tears. Things will be okay. Things will always be okay.

So I haven't updated you guys on anything lately. Well, I am now! But don't get mad at me if I don't update much anymore. I'm trying to write more in a hand written journal. And morning sickness, (which really doesn't mean it happens in the morning), doesn't actually make a person feel like doing much.

Our little one is due on Valentines Day! In four weeks we will get to find out if it's a boy or a girl. We are super excited about that! We are just super excited about mostly everything lately. I'm mostly happy that everything has been okay so far, and the life inside of me seems to be growing just the way it should be. I've been thanking the universe for so much lately. I've never felt so blessed before in my life.

Other than feeling blessed, however, I've also been feeling stressed. So far with all the excitement and joys of being pregnant, I've also had the not so joyful side effect of panic attacks and anxiety. I've really been stressing out about all of these feelings. It's work that does it to me. I'm not sure I can handle work anymore. I'm feeling crazier and crazier every day because I can't handle things that normal people should be able to handle. I wish I could just deal with things, but I can't. And I want this to be the happiest time of my life, and these problems are really getting in the way of my mama happiness.

It's really tough though because my job is the reason I have great insurance, the reason paying these doctors bills won't be absolutely impossible. If I quit my job, I lose the insurance. If I don't quit my job, I have the worst anxiety I've ever felt in my life. I've already had to explain to my manager, a complete stranger in human resources, and a nurse and two doctors that I'm an anxiety filled freak. They just stare at me like I really am just ridiculous. The doctors just tell me there's nothing they can do for me. They tell me to quit my job. I wish I had as much money as a doctor. If I did I certainly wouldn't be telling a pregnant 20 something year old girl to just quit her job. I'd be supportive. Of course, that's why I'm not a doctor. I've never met a doctor that cares more about people than money.

All I really want to do is read my pregnancy books and get this house ready for a baby and learn enough about myself to be the best mommy in the world. I honestly think I have it in me, but the anxiety is telling me otherwise.

I really am ridiculous, and scared. But at the same time I feel so amazing. It honestly makes no sense. That's hormones for ya.

I have an appointment to see a counselor this week. I know there are so many things that I have kept hidden inside me for way too long that I need to just get out. Telling your husband everything and telling other people nothing really won't help you in the long run. There is only so much that poor David can do, and he does so much! It's hard when you have nobody else, though. So I'm going to a counselor, a stranger, and I'm hoping with all of my heart that she can be a friend to me. After all, that's really what I need more than anything right now. I need to be told that I'm not crazy or a bad person for feeling this way, and I need to BELIEVE it. I just wish so badly that I could be the person I am in my daydreams. I wish so badly I could be the sunshine that some people seem to think I am. I don't want my baby to have a fake mama. I have to be the best mama! I want my child to have all the things that I didn't, and so much more.

So that is where I stand as of now. You may hear from me a little or you may hear from me a lot, but lately I just haven't felt much like being on livejournal...no offense. Right now I just need some time for myself, and to write for myself, too, away from internet land. I hope you all understand. *hugs* :)

Answer these questions in two words.

1. Yourself: uniquely sensitive
2. Your Car: Lucy's favorite
3. Your Hair: wild mess
4. Your Mother: role model
5. Your Father: ehh, no
6. Your Favorite Item: colored pencils
7. Your Dream Last Night: I wonder...
8. Your Favorite Drink: fancy cosmo
9. Your Dream Home: simple cottage
10. The Room You Are In: messy bedroom
11. Your Pet(s): unconditionally loves
12. Your Fear(s): occasionally controlling
13. Where You Want to be in Ten Years: Happy Frappy
14. Who You Hung Out with Last Night: my sweetheart!
15. What You're Not: overly confident
16. Your Best Friend: my husband
17. One of Your Wish List Items: new toilet
18. Your Gender: vagina, duh
19. The Last Thing You Did: wash dishes
20. What You Are Wearing: almost naked
21. Your Favorite Weather: soft raindrops
22. Your Favorite Book: has words
23. The Last Thing You Ate: turkey sandwich
24. Your Life: forever changing
25. Your Mood: probably bipolar
26. The last person you talked to on the phone: My mama

I wish sometimes that we could say everything in just a few words. It makes you really think more deeply about things. It makes you want to get things just right.

I slept A LOT today. My dreams have been crazy and nonstop. Sometimes I wake up and then just go back to sleep so I can continue dreaming. Now I just need to start writing them down!

David has infection in his hand. We had to go to the emergency room last night because his entire hand swelled up because of it. Now he is taking medicine and keeping it elevated, and jut trying to rest. He gets so depressed when he has to take off work, and he didn't even work the hot dog cart. He thinks he's terrible if he isn't constantly doing something, and when he is sad, I am sad. It's so crazy how alike we are. I'm just trying to take care of him the best I can.

I have a lot on my mind right now. Not really anything bad, just...stuff. My life just changes every day so much, and it's hard to keep up. I'm trying, though, and that is all that really matters.

It's ridiculous how I feel. Everything is just ridiculous.

For the past couple of days I've had a poem on the tip of my brain and it makes no sense. I would write it down but it would be 45 million pages long and nobody would want to read that.

Hence the story of my life.

When everyone moves away, what will become of me?

I wonder so often what exactly it is that I am. And I wonder so often what exactly I am to everyone else.

Whatever it is, I'm so much more than that...probably.

I wonder what it would feel like to be a part of a group, and yet I wish to be invisible. I'm invisible already, and yet I wish to be seen.

Depressing song lyrics just keep filling up my head. It's a Counting Crows kind of day.

Oh my gosh, I've made a mess!

Out of the blue I decided I wanted to rearrange the living room. Of course, I didn't really have a plan, because well, I never really have a plan. So I just started moving shit all over the place and now it looks like we just moved everything in and dumped it! David is going to get a surprise when he gets home and can't even get into the living room, haha! I would do more, but I'm not strong enough to move the tv, and that is really what's stopping me. It might have to stay in this chaos until tomorrow.

Sometimes I wonder, why does my brain have to be this way? I've been told I was blessed with creativity, but I probably could have used a little more common sense instead.

I'm up and awake and feeling a lot better. Still sniffles, coughs, and tissues, but I feel much better. This cold will be history soon.

David went to the store to get me some soup, and came home with soup and this bromeliad bonsai plant that is so beautiful. I love it!! I need to give it a name. And on the first day I started feeling yucky, he came home from work with medicine and huge sparklers! We fell in love over sparklers. In a way they help define our love. Maybe that is corny, but it's beautiful to me. Memories of falling in love. Memories of knowing there was this boy that understood me just by lighting sparklers with me.

So we lit a sparkler at midnight and smoked up the entire neighborhood and laughed so loud we had to go inside because we were afraid we would piss off the neighbors. It got me thinking of a beautiful moon ritual that could be done. For this we would need a full moon, a open, private field, a group of friends, big sparklers, incense, candles, and anything else you want to be charged by the moon. Everyone should get in a big circle and stick their sparklers in the ground. Light the sparklers all at the same time, and get in the middle of the circle and just be FREE and dance and love and laugh and just be happy. Then when all of the sparklers run out, sit together, or at your spot in the circle, light your incense and your candle, and reflect on your wishes.

I thought this up in my head and it just seemed so magical to me. A way to really connect with your friends and mother nature. The sparklers put out so much smoke, it's almost as if we would be having a bonfire! Anyway, I already know what incense, candles, and other items I want charged. Maybe if nobody wants to do this with me, I'll do it by myself. :)

It's strange, and quite annoying, how I am off work for three weeks straight and then the three days I have to work, I have a terrible cold.

I think Shannon gave me her cold. It's ok, though, I love Shannon.

Seriously, though, I'm tired of snot. Snot is not fun.

Ok, time to go take my drugs and sleep some more. I'll be more journalish when I feel better.

I'm in love with the rain. It makes me feel so alive. It has been raining a lot lately, and I assume it should make me gloomy, but it doesn't. Rain gives me energy, amazing energy. It turns me on. It makes me see my true self. It speaks to me. It's just beautiful.

I haven't been sad in a while. If it randomly starts, I'm ok, because it goes away just as quickly. I have so many reasons to smile, and that is what I'm doing.

Tomorrow is my best friends birthday. Happy Birthday Elaine! I love you!

I bought my friend Kelly a dress today at the thrift store because I saw it and instantly felt she needed it. I'm excited to see what she thinks of it. I hope it fits. I know she'll like it, it just speaks her name, I think.

I work this weekend. Summer orientation time. Woooo! Actually, no, it's not exciting at all. But work means money. Money always deserves a Wooooo!

Things are just really looking up lately, which is one reason I'm not on livejournal much. Damn A.D.D. Eh, oh well, the internet has a way of making me sad, and I don't wanna be sad so it's probably a good thing.

:)

Last night we had an unexpected party. It was fun, but a little overwhelming, as parties always are for a sensitive person like myself. I was so excited to see Shannon! She was obviously excited to see me, too, since she stormed into the bathroom and hugged me as I was dripping from my shower and still naked. That's Shannon for ya. Ya gotta love her.

I really am about to give up on cleaning. I started to sweep the floor, and discovered the broom is in the locked truck. I started to vacuum the carpet, and discovered the inside of the vacuum is tangled in hair, and when I got most of it out, the floor was sooo dirty from that, vacuuming didn't really help very much. Practically all of our clothes are dirty. *sigh* Too much to do. I don't want to do any of it!

I'm worried that I'm becoming a really uninteresting, annoying, and possibly mean person. I don't know what has happened to me! I think the stress in my life is starting to take over, and it's hard to push it to the side. I'm constantly thinking of the meaning of friendship. I'm reminded by it from the internet, from Oprah, from everything! I'm mostly reminded by the fact that I carry a cell phone around with me that never ever rings.

And jealousy. That is another huge issue, lately. I find myself being jealous of a specific person that I really should not feel that way toward. I shouldn't even talk about it, but I don't know, it just drives me crazy. I see that people are doing things with their lives, they are doing the things they want to do...they're doing the things I want to do! I'm just so lost right now. It's hard to get back on the right track when everything seems so hard.

Eh, listen to me. I'm so monotonous. Maybe one day I'll get things figured out.